Letting Go

After several sleepless nights, a palpitating heart upon suddenly waking up in the ungodly hours of the night and a cupful of tears while drafting The R Letter, it’s finally over. My P journey has ended after 12 years and 6 months. It would have ended two years ago if only I had the courage then.

However, I also believed that “two years ago” wasn’t the right time yet. No, not yet. Now is the perfect time; and no, I did not wake up one day, wanting an end to it all. It took some time, two years at most, and the appearance of several “signs” that only I and my heart know about.

The night I decided to just do it, my husband and I had a long talk. The following day, I sought advice from my parents. All three support my decision to sever ties with P.

I wanted to wait for a few more days, thinking the “feeling” would go away and dissolve to thin air by simply ignoring it. But lo and behold, it wouldn’t disappear, because, you see, after two years of keeping it in, setting it aside for further analysis, unconsciously looking for “signs” and always having this feeling of a cloud hovering above me, this burden upon my shoulder that only gets heavier as time passes by, that “feeling” has taken its toll and one night it consumed me. I knew the time has come for letting go.

The “feeling” brought with it courage and humility – a kind of submission to fate. There was no turning back. Determined and resolute, I marched forward.

The morning I turned in The R Letter and spoke aloud my plans, answered the why’s and, I guess, literally gave my friends a shock, the “feeling” went away. It was replaced with jubilation. The hovering cloud, the burden and the need for further analysis all went out of the window.

I no longer cared. I was in front of a freshly painted door of opportunities and I couldn’t wait to open it – to embrace whatever awaits me on this side of the hall.

Today, what fills my days are thoughts of this and that. Nothing can stop me now. I’m going to chase my dreams. I’m going to build, produce, manufacture and touch the lives of more people.

These, however, are never without a tint of sadness of what I will be leaving all behind – my comfort zone, my lifetime friends,… my work. For a brief moment in time, I am suspended, up in a balloon, going down memory lane. Then, I smile, grateful for the 12 years I’ve spent with P, for I knew that my work for P meant something. It was valuable to me, even if, maybe, for some co-workers, it was just another job or position title in a 201 file.

This I know because while working for P, I gave my best and that is all that matters, really. Because to me, wherever you are and whoever you are, as long as you do not waste the opportunities given to you to put your best foot forward, to improve people’s lives, or to be of service to your fellow men, rejoice! You’ve made it. You’ve done it. You’ve contributed.

It is just time for me to contribute somewhere else, to get out of my “box” and to explore new possibilities. It wasn’t the most beautiful and most enjoyable journey but, believe me, finally letting go brought me a lot of peace… and joy.

No, fear is still very much present. Worries, too. I guess we need both in our daily lives and in the big decisions we have to make in life because conquering both makes whatever it is that we are about to do even more valuable and worth the wait, including the sleepless night and the palpitations. It was to me.

I learned that I am strong when I was at the lowest point in my life. I was so weak, I simply surrendered. Sometimes, some battles are no longer worth fighting it out, not worth the effort and the time of overanalyzing the situation. I believe I was at my bravest when I gave in. It freed me. I won the battle, too.

I learned that fear of the consequences of my decision and fear of what my future might hold with the change I was about to embark were little compared to my fear of what-ifs. In life, sometimes, to be able to conquer fear, you have to summon a “higher” kind of fear – the kind of fear that truly paralyzes you, the kind that makes you fearless. What is scarier than regrets and what-ifs?

I re-learned that I got to where I am right now because of so much love and support from family, friends and even strangers I met along the way. I am forever grateful for the wonderful life lessons I picked from the people surrounding me – special mention to my husband, Emar, who can never really get me, even after 11 years of marriage (haha), to my son, Paul Daniel, who taught me how it is to be humble and kind, and to my daughter, Phoebe Dawn, who taught me to embrace life, to be artsy and colorful, all over again.

I am who I am because of the love, care and patience that everyone, who touched and whom I got to touch in this life, has extended to me.

I am who I am, professionally anyway, because of the motivation, encouragement, loads of mentoring, personalized coaching and the developmental assignments given my way during my journey in P.

Yes, I am letting go of P, but, definitely, not turning my back on P. Who knows de aparador?! Haha… I actually believe that I could be P’s “Best Ambassadress” yet.

Cheers!