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This blog is going to be quite the journey for me. I have always wondered why I was so weak. Why I could be such a dinosaur with so little patience when it came to my first-born son – my husband, am just kidding – and to my 13-year-old boy, who has been diagnosed unfortunately with Asperger syndrome, and my 9-year-old girl, both of whom I love to the high heavens without a doubt, or without exceptions; and... then, be so wonderful the minute after.
I must have a split personality or must be suffering from it, anyway. I’ve read so many good books and online articles about how to be the best version of yourself, especially how to be the best mom in the entire world.
Sometimes, I’d feel sad I don’t get to be That Mom or This Mom. How could I be such a Monster Mom? How could there be so many perfect moms out there?
Honestly, I have stopped reading about this and that, so and so kind of moms. I don’t want to categorize myself. I don’t want to perform psychology on myself.
Monster Mom, the term, anyway, was coined by a good friend and fellow toastmaster one fine day while practicing for a 2016 International Speech contest among toastmasters. The title of the speech was Magnanimous Mom.
To summarize the speech, it is all about my journey from being a Monster Mom to a Magnanimous Mom – a journey I continue to take on up to this day.
Actually, it was more of me turning 33 that year, 2016, and my numerous realizations and how truly my world centered around my two children.
My speech started with an encounter, a not so pleasant one, with my then five-year old daughter. She asked me, “Mama, why are you always mad at us?”
Did not see that coming. Should I laugh it off? Brush it aside? This is a five-year old accusing me that I was always mad at them, therefore, at his Kuya, too.
I must be a Monster Mom. Thus, the journey began on how to transform myself, slowly but surely, with such clarity, from being a Monster Mom to a Magnanimous Mom.
No labels here. I just want to give you what magnanimous means if you pair it with Mom. It simply means a mom who is on a journey towards becoming a better version of herself, generous in forgiving herself for not being The Perfect Mom. One who is able to look beyond herself and is constantly reminded that her purpose here is to be Mom to Phoebe and Paul and, probably, to the husband as well because all three needs to be cared for.
It means crying and breaking down when the need arises, when you just can’t take it anymore. It means not feeling guilty for having time for yourself and not to always be at the beck and call of your children.
It means being able to do things for yourself apart from momhood.
It means being kind to yourself so you can be kinder to others, especially your kids and the husband, again.
I realized then and there, after I’ve stopped reading all self-help books on momhood that I was not alone in this journey. And that even as I write this blog so I can bless others and be a part of their journeys as mothers, I continue to declare to God and the world that I might be a Monster Mom from time to time but I am getting there. My ultimate goal is to be a Magnanimous Mom.
Am I a “monster mom”, raising Generation Z children?
I’m a millennial, a Generation Y. My husband is a Generation X. I know you might think what this all means to parenting but whether we accept it or not, each of our psyche has been shaped or influenced by a specific generation, and of course by our environment, community and the manner by which we were brought up by our otherwise “other generation” parents.
And because of this influence, we act one way or the other. This is basic psychology and I might not have that much evidence to prove this but I am aware there have been studies about these.
Fascinated by such studies, I once took up a free psychology course online, over EDX.
Meanwhile, my Kuya Paul was born in 2006 while my little girl, Phoebe, was born in 2010. This makes them, therefore, a member of the newest generation we call Generation Z. And I know this might sound crazy but I do feel that they are by far the most wonderful generation. I see in my children’s eyes kindness, infinite love, genuine care, a pure heart, a heart that truly wants to help make this world a better place.
This is my mission in life. To raise these two to become compassionate, kind, wise, wonderful beings capable of giving love and caring, capable of wanting to become better versions of their parents.
And yes, they think I am a monster. A monster mom, always angry: mad according to my little girl; but ironically they also think I am the most wonderful person in the entire world.
Well, at least for now anyway as they haven’t met their life-long friends and as a I write this my heart is aching already, not wanting that day to come, when they realize that I am not the center of their universes – that I am just part and parcel of it.
What is a “monster mom”, anyway?
I am a certified monster mom because I am a combination of all types of moms out there.
Still, I can never get it why people categorize moms. We are just that: moms, mothers, Mamas, Nanays; all wanting to make this world a better place by raising our children the best way we think, according to our capabilities and experience.
I am a monster mom because I am not perfect, because I make many mistakes along the way. It makes me really sad at times why I cannot keep in check my temper or why can’t I just give in to their demands: the all-sort-of kind!
I am a monster mom because I yell and get exasperated.
I am a monster mom because I give in, because I really need a minute of silence, an hour to myself, to enjoy my coffee.
I am a monster mom because I do not have enough to play with my children. I sometimes feel that I just do not have enough energy, time and creativity. But how I wish so very much to engage. After homework, I just want to be done with the day’s chores.
I just want to do something for myself like write a book or read a book or watch a movie.
I am a monster mom because I am uptight and too organized, never wanting to loosen up.
I am a monster mom because I love and make time for my husband.
I am a monster mom because I do not take my kids hiking or camping.
I am a monster mom because I do not push enough my children to excel in school. Only my little girl is a consistent honor student.
I am a monster mom because I do not hear mass as often as I should.
I am a monster mom because I can’t be with my children 24/7.
I am a monster mom because I shout at my children when I do not like what they are doing.
I am a monster mom because I fail to discipline my children when they become brats in public.
I am a monster mom because I am selfish, inadequate, and does not know what she is doing really.
But who cares, the experience, my journey now, today, far outweigh future benefits. I am quite confident, too, that I am going to raise really wonderful children someday... somehow.
How do I un-monster myself?
These are well-tested tips, which I continue to journey with, as I “un-monster” myself, as Mama to Paul and Phoebe. No, it isn’t the most wonderful of journey, but it sure is worth it.
No, I am not an expert. I am just a mother who realized how she was hurting badly her children and their psyche; and because of this realization, wanted to change.
No, I am not perfect, not even nearing perfection. The change was not an overnight thing; and I have backslid from time to time, going back to my old ways.
Does being a young mother have something to do with my behavior? Could be, but as grown-ups and educated ones at that, we can always get a hold of ourselves, control our temper, keep in check our entire being, pray and look at our children, how fragile their minds are, would they survive our beating? Will they grow up to be the individuals we want them to be, that is, productive members of society?
How do I raise my Generation Z children?
COMMUNICATE – Don’t shout. I realized that shouting at them when they are behaving poorly does not help. It has made me even more frustrated because my children learned to shout back.
Well, at least my Kuya Paul remains the same. He really is scared of me. But my Phoebe Dawn has learned to shout back. She is the more intelligent child and she knows that if she shouts back that I would stop.
Works like magic. I would cease and desist. I know, the fault is mine. I realized a little while longer.
It was my husband who made me realize this. He is the calmer, more stable one in the parenting partnership.
I wanted to be a “generous” mother, and generosity forms part and parcel of “to communicate”. As a mom, I needed to be generous – of my self, my time, my listening ears, my patient heart, my soft-spoken mouth.
I learned that when faced with a tantrum – an annoying child, especially one who thinks 4G is every where, even in the middle of the sea – we must keep our cool. Count 1-10.
Never mind if your child is literally shouting at you, accusing you of not listening to them, or how you are denying them of their birthright to the Internet. No, again keep your cool.
Do not retaliate. Shouting or threatening them with The Belt (yes, tired and human that I am, I would employ this method, and it would momentarily work for 5 minutes but not in the next hour) will only worsen the situation. Your child is going to keep on annoying you. So, never mind.
Try finding out instead where your child is coming from. Listen and respond calmly. Make her understand. Make her wait. Communicate with sincerity through your eyes, voice and gestures.
Sometimes, too, or another technique that works for me is to let them be. Letting be does not mean ignoring them. In my experience I let them be until they become exhausted. To me, it is communicating a message of: “I am not tolerating your unacceptable behavior, thus, I am not entertaining you”. It works like magic but one must hold one’s ground and extend one’s patience.
As a mother, I know how this can be quite the challenge, human beings that we are, but we can do this, if we want our children to have great memories of their childhood – not of their moms constantly shouting at them.
PLAY – This is where I am most guilty about. I do not play that much with my children.
I actually have lots of excuses and I bet you all of it are valid. But no matter what, as a mother (and a human being at that), we must give time for play. We must show our children that we can be fun like their friends and classmates, even their teachers.
We must make time to express ourselves to our kids in a fun manner. In this way, we not only get to spend quality time with them, we also get to let our kids see our human side. This should give them some wonderful memories of us.
I also believe that it is never too late to do this. We can still catch up. I am a believer as well in quality over quantity time, because what is quantity anyway, if you are all lost in your own worlds: one is watching TV, the other playing with a tablet, while you are actually reading a book.
READ – Practice reading to them, have time to read with them and imprint in them the love for reading.
Buy them books. Yes, it is an additional expense, but believe me, it is going to go a long way.
Reading good books will allow your child to learn about the world... those that are not taught in school. It is going to open their hearts and minds. Reading is going to make them want to be thirsty for their own adventures of the world.
It will expand their vocabulary of words and once-strange phrases. It will add to their stock knowledge, deduct ignorance.
It will make them wiser, more adaptable people, as well as more tolerating of other cultures.
What a great way to raise the future generation! I have been practicing this with my children and I have no plans in stopping.
Here's a tip. If your children do not find reading enjoyable at first, do not stop. Do not give up. Continue. Your children will eventually make it a habit and enjoy it in the process.
Two books a week should do it. If you run out of books, enjoin them to borrow from the school library.
LIMIT GADGET TIME – Some parents might not agree with me on this. Because there will be those who are going to say that children should not have any gadget, computer, or TV exposure at all, and that they would be better off if they were to play for real or interact with real people, playing real games.
I respect the decisions of these parents. The same respect goes to those parents who trust their children so much as to allow access to gadgets, computer, or TV 24/7. That is OK. No one is the better.
No parent should judge the other to be better or worse. As parents, we all have our reasons for raising our children the way we want to. For me, however, I believe in giving my kids only a limited time of exposure to TV, their PC, cellphone and tablet. I only give them the weekends, and on a Sunday, they should be off any electronics by 12noon.
TRAVEL – You do not need to go out of the country. A hotel in the next town should do it; or any other place in your hometown where you have not explored should be enough fun.
I believe that exposing my children, my family, to travel has brought us closer; and I am hoping that the fun experiences we have in our brief travels (an overnight stay in a hotel by the beach or a road trip in search of a popular park) would become good memories my children could look back on in times of sadness or stressful life situations.
Because like us, our kids will also be experiencing the late nights of studying while in college; or the work presentations that need to be done and submitted before the deadline; and if you asked me, I got through all of these because I held on to firstly the good values my family raised me to believe in and the fun vacation memories I have with my sisters and parents.
What I am trying to get at is this: we need to build good memories, fun memories, memories that will make our children not give up at the first challenging task thrown at them.
PRAISE – Who doesn't want to be praised? Little as they are, in little bodies and little brains, our children absorb praise like a sponge absorbs liquid dishwashing detergent. Excuse the analogy. That is all I could think of at this moment in time.
I love to praise. I praise my husband all the time: how handsome he is, how good he smells, and how lucky I am to be his wife.
I extend this always to my children, despite the hesitance, especially at times when they are irritating me to the highest level.
Never be stingy on praise. Praise them for brushing their teeth properly. Praise them for following your instructions. Praise them for finishing their meal.
Little praises go a long way. And practice makes perfect or eventually becomes a habit. Believe you me, it will not only make your child feel better and a little more confident about themselves, it will also make you feel better inside... that fuzzy, warm feeling all over.
TEACH KINDNESS – It is so easy to be kind, we all affirm. But this is easier said than done. Believe me. I have been there.
I think, and this is my personal opinion, the true measure of kindness is our actions, our words, the manner we treat other people: strangers or otherwise.
Children believe what they see and hear; and will follow accordingly. Therefore, if you act a certain way and say the opposite, then, you will only be confusing them.
Therefore, if you want to teach kindness, get ready to be humbled, and to be kindness, to do and act out kindness. If you are berating your helper or a saleslady in your favorite mall quite nastily, do not expect your children to believe you when you start teaching the virtue, kindness, to them.
DEVELOP THEIR GIFTS – Our children have so much potential. But, like us, they also have their personal and biased inclinations. We can only push them so much towards the direction or the likes we want them to adopt.
In the end, however, it is what they want (as long as it is going to be good for them) to do that we should be supporting.
Our God is ultra-generous and does not withhold what should be ours. Am sure that each child has been given a gift; and as parents, we were made stewards of the next generation of God's children. Part of stewardship is to help our children develop their God-given gifts.
So, give your child the time and the support to be able to develop his gifts. It'll all be worth it in the end.
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It’s OK to be a “monster mom”.
You are not a monster. Your children just think you are but you are doing great, raising Generation Z children.
Notice that I am a “monster mom”, too, well, at least I used to be or just sometimes now, in the eyes of my two children, 13-year old Paul and 9-year old Phoebe, but they love me – despite my many faults, despite how many times I have outbursts with them, despite how I can be so inconsistent sometimes in my rules and regulations – with the “unconditional love” that could only come from God-shaped hearts.
If only for this reason would I want to turn around – from being a “monster mom” to The Mom they can rely on, trust, love all the more, play with, and grow up with. I do not want them to remember me as a “monster mom” while they grow up or when they are all grown up; so, I continue my journey of “un-monstering” myself, as Mama to Phoebe and Paul.
You should too. Take on the journey. Take on the challenge.
Forgive and let live!
Circa 2017, Cebu Museum: When the turning-around began.
